I used to get told that I was too hard on myself. Like, all the time. One part of me was desperate to believe this, to lighten up on myself. My inner critic was beastly. But most of me knew that they just couldn’t see what I could see. So, out came the whip.
Sometimes people would compare me to others- especially in the early days of owning my salon- I’d get those ‘you’re so far ahead of so many people your age- you’re 19! You own a business! You’re doing great.’
In some twisted dichotomy, I was both better than this and worse than you know. I knew what was possible for me, I had a stirring sense of my potential and whatever stumbling I was going through was a complete failure to fulfill on it. Even when what I was doing was successful, was helping people and was building something- even then, it felt inadequate.
I have vision. I see things. Not like dead people or anything. I see the future, I see unfolding capacity, I see the potential outcomes and I see what’s needed to direct things toward wholeness and also what leads to fragmentation.
Now after years of working with visionaries, I see what’s happening beneath the perfectionism obsession. It’s beyond needing to be perfect. It’s about ultimate realization. We all have various ways that we assess and check for how we’re doing. Some compare themselves to others, some against the status quo, some against their parents wishes or medias projections of who they should be, what they should do, how they should look.
Visionaries check against what’s possible. And when you do that, my friend, you’re always going to come out failing- that is, if you’re checking for your ‘enoughness’ against what’s possible. Even when you’ve reached the potential you envisioned for yourself five years ago, the very nature of being a visionary means that you’ll see something new, something bigger. You’ll never get there.
So what are we supposed to do with this?!
Get to know your future self and your visions with reverence, but not with grasping. Know this as where you’re moving, but not as where you should be now. Allow this future to call you and mold you and show you the way, but don’t let it be the bar to measure now against.
Pay attention not to the gap between here and there as the confirmation of your failings or inadequacy. Pay attention to what you have now, what you’re standing on, what you’ve got access to, what’s already solidly embodied within you that you shall draw on to close this gap. And know, there will always be a gap, because you’ll always be looking into the future of possibility.